The training ground for this doesn’t start when your child is older and can talk on subjects that interest you, nor does it happen when it is convenient for you.
Children talk about what interests them and what they are passionate about and they do not have a sense of time nor timing.
I believe my son talks to me about what he is feeling and caring about because early on I decided to care about what he had to say and to be available.
Sometimes that meant listening to imagination stories that seem to have no end, or intricate details about animals, Legos, and dinosaurs. As he grew it changed to sword making, books, video games, and friends. Today I still listen, but now it is about theatre, music, books, friends, relationships, drugs, sex, politics, world issues -and yes still video games.
Sometimes it means just being home, and doing tasks near him that could easily be interrupted.
Sometime is means asking him to show me, teach me, engage me.
Through trial and error I learned how to listen,
Be present, I made a point to stop what I was doing, turn my attention to him take a deep breath, relax and get curious about his passion in the subject he was sharing.
I created at least 15 minutes in everyday just to be with him unplanned. Sometimes that just meant doing something in the same room that he was doing homework, or inviting him on a car ride, inviting him on a walk or asking him what he would like to do with me for 15 minutes.
It is my intention to read him to sleep every night, he choses the book, and I know that he is asleep at a reasonable hour. We both have a nice ending to our days lost in comic book or imaginary worlds. There is no age limit, he is 17 and I still read to him.
I don’t shy away from hard topics and language. It was important to me that any subject was fair game. I work really hard to check my bias at the door. It took me awhile -and thanks to writing of Louis Lowry in The Giver, I came to understand that what he is talking about and exploring is coming to him from the perspective of an innocent child, not experience. What he knows of a subject or theme is so very different than what I know. I found it was best to ask questions. Just because he is talking about doesn’t mean he is actually engaged in it, likes it, will drop of what he is naturally good at to pursue it, or will he make it his career -I believe those are the four big fears of parents.
I try to always share my beliefs, but not at the same time. When I am listening, I am really trying to hear and be engaged with what he is passionate about. Later, at least a day -I bring the subject back up and share more viewpoints or ideas on the same subject. It keeps us talking and shows that I was really listening.
Kids don’t talk when I am ready, relaxed and have “time” to listen. Kids talk when they are passionate and exploding with ideas, or emotions. The best conversations I have ever had came when I was just sharing a space.
