Don’t parent for the moment, parent for the future.

From the time my son was little I always thought it was wise to parent him based on how I hoped he would be in the world when he was 16.  I spent some time thinking about my own values about how to be in the world and then tried my best to parent accordingly.  This year he is 17 and there have been times when, watching him navigate his world, I wondered if it really worked.  But this week I read an essay he wrote for an application, heard the responses from several teachers about his behavior in school, watched him perform on stage and watched him interact with peers and adults in many settings.  I guess one benefit to a crazy holiday season is that it compacts time.  From all of these things I learned that my untested, parenting method worked.  The biggest take away -Don’t parent for the moment, parent for the future.  What will you and society expect when they are older.  Give your child many years to practice.

I find that parents often give children under 6 a “license” of inappropriate social behavior.  They find it cute.  I say how unfortunate for the child.  Mom and Dad says it’s cute,  or that changing the behavior at home might “damage self confidence” yet their friends are giving the message that it is gross and/ or  annoying and other adults find it repulsive.

Who better to prepare a child for what society expects than a trusted adult.  I believe that if I am not truthful with myself about my sons behavior, or even skill level for that matter, it is telling him that I don’t believe he is strong enough to handle it, and that society rules don’t matter.  Believe me I do not agree, nor even abide by them all, but I do recognize that they matter and that people are treated according to their management of them.

An easy example is table manners.  I believe strongly that a child from an early age can sit with people of all ages at a table and use a proper place setting with glass and china, exhibit basic manners so everyone feels comfortable eating, and carry on enjoyable conversation that takes into account everyone at the table.  From the time he was in a high chair I was thinking ahead to 16 when he would probably ask someone on a date, or have dinner with their parents.  I thought of him being asked to a nice restaurant or a semi formal dinner.  I wanted him to have the comfort to say Yes to those opportunities and the social graces to be asked back.  I have to admit some nights at home I wondered if he would ever be able to eat away from home.  Now at 17, he is complemented by other families who invite him out, and more importantly feels comfortable.

Another easy one was a dress code.  I believe it is so unfair to kids be dishonest with them about expected dress codes for different environments.  Society does treat people differently according to their dress.  When a child is older and more confident let them chose to go against the grain, but at a young age they need to be taught what others expect.  I made the choice easy for him and just a standard policy.  At church, concerts, theatre, awards ceremony, restaurants that use cloth napkins, any on stage performance that didn’t include a costume,  and parties that didn’t have a designated activity of sport or art – he was to wear dress pants, black or kayak , dress shoes and a colored shirt.

The pay off today, at 17 he is comfortable in dress clothes and dressing up to go out.  He never has to worry about sticking out, and not fitting in -a big stressor for kids.  Nor does he have to worry about what to wear, he has an unwritten rule and experience to guide him.  With adults I have noticed that they always make comments about how kids are dressed.  The ones that dress up are given preference, the ones that don’t are seen as not caring, less fortunate, or to privileged to follow the rules.  All of these messages may not be true, but will certainly be confusing to a child.

Children that are given clear boundaries and are told the truth about what society expects of them feel safe.  They now have the tools to navigate a very complicated world.  I believe iIt gives them the confidence to both fit in and to strike out on their own path.

 

 

 

 

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Amy O'Dell Wilson

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